It’s been a continuing week of hard mothering days. I was hoping this new week would go better. It hasn’t. Today, I’m finally at a breaking point, and feel completely weak and at a loss to be a parent. It must be a stage that we are going through, but it sure is challenging. Basically, day after day of young siblings fighting, whining, not listening, kicking, hitting, and talking back to the parents rudely.
The talking back part scares me the most. How in the world do you nip talking back in the bud, before it gets cemented into a horrible habit? Please share if you have any advice on that one. We’ve taken away privileges, swimming days, etc for the behavior. I’m trying to look for the positive they do, and reward those good actions they do, rarely lately. I’m trying to give more hugs, to listen better to them, and to really pick my battles, which is a tough one. I do take the kids out to parks and playdates to burn energy and such. I hope I don’t give the impression that I’m not doing anything to try to help this situation. I just feel broken from trying to create a loving atmosphere at home, and all that lovely stuff you hear about in church talks.
It’s been three days of reading scriptures, praying and listening for the spirit to help me be patient and not yell, and three days this week of ‘Groundhog Day’, repeated hardships with my kids. Still waiting for that help to come. Still will try to be consistent in the spiritual devotionals for me, as you can’t give up, even when you want to. This is the testimony strengthening part because I have found that when I pray and work for something really important, the help does not come over night, or their would be no growth. I just need help to get through one hour at a time. I want to cherish my kids so badly, and savor each moment while they are so young. I don’t want to keep struggling with getting the kids to stop fighting, yelling, start listening, so that there is no time, or more importantly, energy to create good memories and learning moments. I can’t even make it one day without yelling. Not one, and that makes me feel like the worst failure of a mother ever. Embarrassing.
I know I’m not alone on this, and that many of you have had these stages with young kids. I just know that not many write about it. I just needed to sit down, take a break to cool down, and write. I’m so sorry for being so open and honest. If you want positive posts all the time, I think you better go read the Nienie blog. She’s amazing. I am just a mom who really loves her boys and little girl, but after continual reading of parenting books, searching the scriptures, praying constantly, I just still am struggling, as most likely some of you out there are, too.
I guess maybe by the end of this week, if I can make it to the end of the week, I will be a little stronger? Maybe just a little more patient. Hopefully, my kids will still love me, and I can try to not have day after day of this rough stuff. Again, so sorry for being somewhat on the negative side. I just am at the end of my rope. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I will try to make my next post a bit more bright:)
You aren't negative, just REAL(I had to stop reasons NieNie because I think she isn't very real sometimes). I rarely go a day without yelling either. You are doing great, hang in there! One thing I do with my kids when they talk disrespectfully is I say, "Why don't you try starting over and use kind, respectful words." I react much less when I use that approach. If they can't do it after that second chance then they go to their room until they can talk with respect. I don't know if that helps, but it might be worth a try.
ReplyDeleteDon't be sorry about sharing the bad days. We all have them. Even the ones who won't admit to them. :)
ReplyDeleteI do have one idea for you. It might help it might not. But it's worth sharing. We recently implemented a "yes ma'am no ma'am (sir)" rule where when we give a child a direct command or ask them a question they are to reply "yes ma'am!" and go do whatever we told them to do. :) Katelyn is our biggest challenge and getting her to do what we need her to do has been so hard! But she responds very well to this. If I ask her to do something and she says no I tell her "you say yes ma'am and go do it." And she does! It's not 100% of course but it is helping in how she responds to us. She also responds very well to rules. We made a bunch of specific rules for behavior and when she breaks one we say "what's the rule?" and she tells us and then we ask her what will happen if she breaks the rule. She's only 3 but she remembers all these especially since we drew pictures.
Anyways try the yes ma'am thing. You never know. :) Good luck and don't get down on yourself. You're trying every day and that's all anyone can do!
You are a good mother!!! I know because you worry about these things. All of us yell at our kids. We don't want to, but it happens. I am trying to figure this out as well. I hope it gets better. My kids have been whining a lot lately, and it annoys me like no other. I know that when one child is being good another child is being naughty, I acknowledge the one child that is being good, and 99% of the time, the one that is being naughty stops doing what she is doing. I hope that helps, but just know we understand what you are going through, and we know you are a wonderful mom!!
ReplyDeleteIt's true. We all yell at our kids. When I am displeased with my children, I am very obvious about it. If they're in trouble, they know it. Sometimes I spank. I make sure it's on her skin and that it stings a little. Sometimes I use my eyes in such a penetrating way that there is no question they are in trouble. There is a part in the Book of Mormon where it talks about if they were not afraid of death or afraid of this or that, then they would sin. They had punishments that people were afraid of. It kept them from sin. Ideally, kids would behave because they want to. But more often, people, children included, behave because they are afraid of what might happen. Use this to your advantage. It will likely be different for each child. But make it so horrible (yet still safe) that you can use to help them make good choices. David HATES being alone. So when he gets sassy (right now it's NO when I tell him we need to do or not do something) I make him go into his crib, where he cannot escape, and be by himself for a couple of minutes. He hates it. Sarah, on the other hand, LOVES to be by herself, it wouldn't work for her. I put her on the stool, in plain sight, but ignore her. I go about my routine until she's ready to be nice. Then she can get down. Sometimes, when I just need some sanity, I make them go into their rooms. They can do whatever they want in there but they are not welcome to come out until MY time out is over. And it's over when I feel like I can deal with them again. This is NOT mean, this is parenting. People may disagree, which is their privilege, but honestly, those really awful times are becoming fewer and fewer and the Spirit can now find place in our home. Most of the melt downs come from Sarah and she has finally learned that some things are just not okay. Most of the time she is a very well behaved child. She is even good at school. There was only one time ever when they had to deal with her. It's impossible to expect children to behave all the time, so I'm really happy with our result of 90% tantrum reduction at home. Now we spend our time doing fun things together. It's much better. Good luck, you're good mom and can do this. You will know what will work best for your children. Be consistent and your results will come, too.
ReplyDeleteLike all have said, we all yell at our kids. Even me, like a lot! What's important is that we continually seek to become better (even if sometimes we feel like we aren't), and that is exactly what you are doing. Lately as I have become discouraged in motherhood, I find it encouraging to look at the simple everyday things that I do for them, for example, I feed and clothe them everyday, and those are accomplishments, in fact commandments from the Lord. No matter how bad the day I try and end on a good note, put them to bed with smiles and loads of love. They will sleep and wake knowing they are loved inspite of the trials of the day. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteI have been going through some tough stuff with my little Tommy. I have never had one of my kids try me like has. It has gotten better over the last week and I thank God every day for that. But I can't say that the challenges with this sweet, trying boy are over so I have been looking for strength and ways to improve as a mommy. I know you are on the right track. The things you are doing will give you the answers that you need, in time of course. It is so good to know that Heavenly Father knows best what we need so we can more patiently wait upon Him in our trials and heartaches. A site I recently found that you might be interested in that has inspired me to keep trying to be a better mother is theorangerhino.com You should check it out. She is very real like you and I love it. Keep persevering. The light will come for you.
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